Astral World – Chapter Two (Freezing and barefoot)

It’s not an easy pill to swollow – knowing you’re mentally ill. Never quite fitting in, feeling like an extra piece in the jigsaw puzzle. Always trying, always failing. I only got diagnosed a while ago after I had my first episode. I dont remember to much about that day, only that I hurt someome and its the reason I’m locked away here at Oakhouse. I’ts hard to feel bad about something you barely remember and even harder when deep inside I don’t regret it. My mind can’t stop telling me that she deserved it. I can still smell the metallic tinge as the blood oozed from her wrists. I wish I could remember why. They have me so doped up I can hardly remember my own name. They don’t bring it up in councilling either which I always find strange. Yet it’s a relief, I’d rather forget and try to move on than linger on my past mistakes. 

I sit alone in the lunch hall. The room is bright, large and full of tables. I choose the one at the back corner of the room. My table. It wobbles and the light above flickers on and off. Its the table that nobody wants. Which makes it perfect for me. I like my own space. Especially in here. I spot Sally on the other side of the room talking to the new guy. I never really notice but she is rather beautiful. Her hairs down today and she doesn’t have her glasses on. Her red ringlets flow down her back. The tones in her hair shine different vibrant shades of red as she moves under the light. Its mezmorizing like looking into a fire. Her long eyelashes flutter as the boy talks to her. I underestimate her at times. Im sure she thinks she’s my friend, shes a loving person with a warm heart. Sometimes I think I should give her a chance but I feel that would be betraying my own best friend. Jess. Man do I miss her. Her banter, her sass, I miss everything about her. Everything. There’s nothing quite like losing a best friend. A sister. There’s a constant hole in my soul. The pain consumes me and I try to stay away from other people. I might be mentally ill. But it’s my heart that’s really broken. I try not to cry, but when im alone the tears slip out my eyes before I can catch them. Im lost without her. Im a loner who’s lonely. Im a different girl now. I was once full of life and fun. Now I try my best to shut myself away from the world. I suppose that’s one good thing about Oakhouse. My boyfriend Cameron pays for my private room so i don’t have to share my space with others. The idea of a roommate makes me sick. He used to come visit me a few times per week. But i think it’s been hard on him, me being stuck in this stupid place. He came to see me a few weeks ago. He told me he had to work longer hours and couldn’t come as often. But three weeks in here feels like a lifetime to me. I miss him too, but compared to my loss of jess, it’s not even comparable. I think he knows that too. Everyone knows I loved Jess like a sister. He’s meant to be visiting on Wednesday which is tomorrow. Hopefully all will be fine. He usually brings me salted caramel chocolate’s.  My favourite. I suppose it’s all the little things. So what if he hasn’t been around much. He’s working hard to provide a good life for himself and the fact he pays for my private room says a lot about him. He’s kind and generous, a but like sally. Sometimes I think he’s too nice. But then again I can’t trust my own mind lately. My opinion is void.

I wolf down my hamburger and chips before anyone can bother me then head back to my room. They gave me my meds before lunch and they were starting to kick in now. My head feels like a bowling ball on top of my shoulders as I sway along the clinical corridors to my room. I reach my room, number 13. The last door on the left. As soon as I step in my room I sigh with a relief. Unlike the clinical corridors my room was warm and cosy. I eyed up my large double bed in the middle of the room. The walls were a duck egg green but I hung fairy lights all over my room and above my bed. It was like my own little fairy den. A little piece of heaven just for me. I washed my face in the sink in my en suite bathroom. It even has a bath. There’s only a few rooms as big as this one. But none like mine. I had to find some comfort in this place I don’t belong. I jump into my bed under my mountain of fluffy blankets and off to the land of nod I go.

Im standing on the peebley beach down by the lake. Freezing and barefoot In my batgirl pyjamas. Did I sleepwalk all the way out here. How is that even possible. Its pitch black but somehow I can see. The stars twinkle in the darkness above me. Its only now I remember I had a dream similar to this the night before. Im dreaming. Not sleepwalking. Im sure of it. I pinch myself. Ouch. The black water resembles tar as it thrashes against the rocks beside the bridge. A little creature pops out from behind the rocks. I have a mini heart attack. My eyes lock on to her as it take in what’s standing in front of me . She was as clear as day, her pure white skin shimmering under the moonlight like glitter. She was the most beautiful little cteature I could ever imagine. I know this has to be a dream but it feels so real. I feel the wind as it dances in the air. Every hair on my body stands to attention as the goosebumps travel up my bare arms. I feel the cold. I feel everything, this isn’t a normal dream that’s for certain. I walk forwards towards the girl. Being careful to take my time and not make any sudden movements that might scare her away. With every move I feel the small ruff stones crunch beneath my feet. I hurts as I take each step. I can’t remember right now but I don’t know if I’ve ever felt physical pain in a dream before. This is weird. I’ve definitely been here before. De ja vu creeps in and I feel as though I know the girl. As if this was not my first time seeing her. I hope I don’t scare her away. I want to find out who she is, and what she knows. I take another slow step towards her. She eyeballs me. Staying still with her bright, glow in the dark green eyes fixed on me, staring into my soul. A warning flashes through my mind before I take another step. What if she’s dangerous. Shes definitely not afraid of me the way her humongous eyes are trained to my every move. In fact her stance says it all the way she stands before me, eyes glaring, little arm leaning on her dipped hip. She looks like she has an attitude. 

A high pitched voice booms out her tiny mouth. Not what I expected. I thought she was childlike before but her voice has a more stern tone like that of a pissed of grandmother with a squeeky voice.

“So you’ve come back to me I see. What could you want. What could it be? She twirls her little hands as she talks. I notice her palms look more like paws, then I spot the claws. I take a step back. What is she. Now I feel a little scared. Her sing song voice rings on and on like an echo as her words bounce off everything around me. It makes me feel dizzy and disorientated. Her eyes narrow in on me. She claps her hand paws together and the sounds comes to an abrupt stop. She smiles but only for a second. I still feel wobbley on my feet as  come around. My knees are weak and my voice shakes as I begin to speak.

“Hello”  I juse about manage to get the words out my mouth. The word is messy and filled with fear. But I have to find out more. No matter how disorientating it might be. 

Her hair is long and gold, stuck together in clumps that resemble dreadlocks. They make her  head look way too big for her tiny body. Shes wearing clothes. A white shirt with a rather stylish gold belt wrapped around her waist. Her gold sandals that match also glimmer under the moon like her skin itself.

“What are you”, I ask.

She doesn’t answer, in fact she moves back a step. Fluorescent eyes still on me like a hawk. Stones crunching beneath her sandals.

“Who are you, I mean. Sorry”, I stutter as I ask this time. “Do you have a name”? She smiles and nods. Maybe my wording wasn’t right the first time. I shouldn’t have asked what she was. But I was dying to know I was genuinely interested as I had never seen anything quite like her before. I notice she has hair shining from her cheeks. Its whiskers glistening under the moonlight. She kind of resembles a child, a troll, and a cat all mixed into one. 

She wasn’t ugly like creatures and trolls you might find in movies. She wasn’t out of proportion either. Although she was tiny, if I got close I reckon she would maybe reach my hips and thats with that hair adding height. She walks towards me again this time she claps before she speaks.

“My child you ask of me, who am I,  what may I be. I may be a lot of things, look like I’m from Lord of the rings. But I am none of those I am me. The real question is , who may you be?

Her words didn’t ring on this time they were strong and clear as they swirled around my head. What did she mean. She wasn’t making sense. I stood baffled staring at her trying to work out the best answer to what she said. 

“Im fiona”, that’s the best I could come up with. This is one weird ass dream.

I hesitate before I ask her if she has a name. But I ask anyway. She must have a name. I imagine it would be something bizarre a name I couldn’t possibly think of.

“A name you want from me you say, I will tell you it maybe one day. First you must pay. For now my dear turn around and go to bed for there’s more to see inside your head”. 

The little white glistening creature disappeared before my eyes. I run across the pebbles and stones. Ouch i scream out in pain as the jagged stones stick into my feet. They sting with each step I take. I get to the spot she was just standing in.  There’s nothing here just some weeds and dirt and the underside of the cobble bridge . The air feels cold and damp. I should wake up now. But I’m left standing in the dark. Alone. Beside the lake. I panic as the darkness seeps in. I walk back to oaklake house and make my way to bed just like the little creature suggested. I swayed through the halls like a ghost in the night. I walked past the duty manager without her batting an eyelid. Im definitely dreaming no way would that ever happen in real life. Once I got to the last door on the left I turned the handle and what I seen shocked me to my very core. I was frozen in time unable to move. There was someone else sleeping in my bed…to be continued!


Astral World – Chapter One (Terrible Tuesdays)

Im the kind of girl who walks over the hill instead  of around it even if my shoes are white and the grass is wet and swamped in mud. Some people would call that quirky, others crazy , I call it me, Fifi. Real name Fiona Hagen, and ohh, just incase you hadnt already guessed. Im a little bit messed up in the head. You see sometimes I not only walk over the hill, I dance, skip, or march across it. Bipolar is what they call me . Possible schizophrenic. All i know is that my life is one hell of a rollercoaster and im just here for the ride. Im broken, you see. I think it shows in my eyes. They used to sparkle, now they’re like a dull moon peeking through the clouds. I believe there’s a reason for everything. Even for being “mentally ill” as they like to call it. How can you get better if you’ve never been ill. But there is usually a trigger. Or so they tell me. Something major, a horrible traumatic event in someones life to trigger the illness. Unless I’ve  always been this way in which case maybe im not mentally ill at all. You never know. I’ve been blessed with these intense range of emotions and creative abilities beyond my former capacity. I pick up voices and sounds inaudible to the normal ear. Music and thoughts fill my brain like a constant buzzing of a radio. There’s pros and cons i guess but it would be tremendously stupid not to appreciate being a genius at times.

“Knock knock”, i didnt jump at the thump on my door, like most people would…i was expecting it.
“Ten o’clock, lights off” a shout comes from behind the door. Of course i ignore it.
The door opens, Miss know it all Big nose stared at me with those bulging frog like eyes, smudged underneath with black liner it made her look like an ancient witch. I reckon she must be in her fortys but her face shows shes had a hard life. And perhaps her face has had one too many sunbeds. Talk about leather handbags.
“Lights out Fiona”, she says as her eyes look though my soul.
“Yea, yea”, i reply not looking the beast straight in the eye. She switches the light out. Im terrified of the dark. I fumble around my bed looking for the switch. I panick for a second until I find it. My nightlight turns on. Phew. I feel safe again. Its not long before i fall asleep. The meds they supply me with at night here would be enough to knock a horse out. The last thing i see is the back of my eyelids, that is until i begin to dream, then everything changes for the better. Dreams are so much bettee than life. Not being doped up is always a plus side and for some reason I’m always vividly clear in my dreams. My mind is finally free to be free. Is it a bad thing if the best part of my day is when im asleep. Im certainly not complaining it makes hanging around these truly bonkers people that little more bearable. Im crazy but they are Crazy Crazy. The scary, I just killed my family and enjoyed it kind of crazy.
Okay…maybe I’m  exaggerating a little , there’s  some nice people here too. There’s Mary whos elderly, shes a doll. She hands- down makes the best tea in Scotland . She also has dementia so she forgets shes just made me a cup. Hey presto… endless supply of tea for me. May aswel she makes it regardless.
There’s also shy Sally shes nice i guess but shes been here forever. Ive noticed she picks her nose and eats it on a regular basis, even for in here that’s pretty disgusting behaviour. 

Its Terrible Tuesday today, I  walk into the meeting hall and take a seat in the cold clinical room. The white surfaces and bright fluorescent lights give me an instant headache. I groan aloud and hold my head in my hands. I’ve always hated the councillors in this place and it looks like we have a new one today…

“Everybody take a seat” says the stick insect in the white coat, hes so thin his Adams apple looks like the hulk trying to burst out of his throat. I dont like his pink shirt. He’s not the kind of guy that can pull that off. He needs a haircut and a burger or maybe a zillion.

“Silence please”
he shouts over the bustling of the crazies  yapping away in the background. I wish i had a volume switch. Sally sits anxiously next to me. She smiles nervously and rubs her hands together. White knuckles. I dont know what she expects from me. I yawn in her general direction and focus my eyes back to slim shady. His words blur together as he introduces himself to the group. Peenis. I laugh hysterically out loud. Out of all the other crap he spouted Peenis is the only word that stuck out. His second name is peenis. The crazys start to laugh too. Stick insects cheeks fill with blood, and the hulk dances in his throat. Opps. My bad. The nurses and receptionist in the back ground look at me like i just took a dump in the middle of their pristine floor. It takes a few seconds before their jaws float back up to their normal position. Maybe i was being childish but at least i made people laugh. Or at the very least, i made myself laugh and thats all that matters at the end of the day. They can try to control me with pills and dull me down but they will never take my sense of humour. They will never take my laugh. They will never take me!

To be continued…

We live in a world full of greed…

We live in a world full of greed and deceit,

The poor man grovels at the rich man’s feet.

The rich live a life of luxury, the poor struggle to make ends meet.

Queues to the food banks trailing down the street.

Those who have a job are working for nothing.

Taxed to the breaking point yet still that’s not enough.

Rent, bills, food, heating, and…something,

No money left over, scraping by to get to work.

This is the path of the common man, no easy life for us.

And sure it could be worse…

I could be the homeless man, sleeping outside with nowhere to hide.

Cold, rain, wet, hungry, and…something.

Sitting there on his own, made to feel like nothing.

I’m glad I’m not the homeless man, but that’s exactly why he’s there.

To make sure we’re all aware that things could be worse.

To evoke appreciation towards the shitty life’s we lead.

Too many bills and hungry mouths to feed.

Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

We live in a world full of greed and deceit.

Angel of Death

I’ll come for you in the dead of the night,

Or perhaps in the morning, at touch of first light.

Whatever the time, doesn’t matter to me,

I just follow orders, it’s my job, you see?

I’ll wait for you until you take your last breath,

With family around you, who cry at your death.

I wish I could tell them it’ll all be okay,

Your passing was quick, pain free, no delay.

To tell them that your souls by my side.

But I dont, i cant, they won’t understand ,

For they cannot see this magical land.

It’s upsetting to watch, but they’ll never believe.

It’s best that we leave for now and let them grieve.

On a journey we go, to the spiritual land,

Filled with hopes and dreams, let your mind expand.

I am not here to scare your or frighten,

It’s simply my job to guide and enlighten,

Don’t worry I say, it’ll all be okay,

You will see your family again, one day.

You can visit them often once you’re in heaven.

Come and go as you please, it’s not like a prison.

Until then my friend, it’s just you and I,

And we’ll be in heaven in the blink of an eye.